I love the way he gently extricates his hand, caresses and pats mine each time before he takes his left hand back to join his right in maneuvering the car. It’s as if he’s reassuring me that his hand will be back in mine as soon as he can muster. It is a gesture so unnecessary that it is at once unaffectedly romantic and deeply, deeply appreciated.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
(Written 3 months ago. It is true, not even I can keep up with my moods. The ebbs and flows while familiar are most times indecipherable when I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum)
I suddenly feel depressed.
Well not quite, been deflating for a while probably.
I feel sucked in, suppressed somehow. I must not have been paying attention to myself. Time for a good cry I think, a little bout of self-pity. Time for a few tears rolling down the cheeks and a quivering mouth with down turned lips. It’s times like this that I just don’t want to try. Like a cycle isn’t it? Never really any good reason though, so not much point trying to figure anything out. Just ride it out. Oh things will be right as rain tomorrow, it always is, nothing to worry about. Thing about cycles is that they never last for very long, neither the very good nor the very bad.
(Hm. But this isn’t a cycle is it?)
You know the feeling you get after you’ve tried too hard? It’s exhausting trying to keep up, and so eventually you run out of steam and then all you want to do is retreat. Retreat from participating and from caring and definitely from trying. The self-pity creeps in and you question why you’re not allowed to just be.
I’m not complaining (it is the self-pity talking) but I have to wonder if I’m not doing something wrong, that perhaps I might be going about things in the wrong way. That while I have good intentions, the execution part is not foolproof otherwise it (I) wouldn’t be breaking down once in a while. I shouldn’t ever have to feel stretched, on edge or have flashes that I’m in denial of my own needs sometimes. I hope it’s a passing phase. I hope I won’t have to walk on eggshells; forced to be careful of every phrase, expression and reaction for fear it be misconstrued. Nothing should have to be so hard.
Of course, it also stands to reason that I should just relax, which is perfectly good advice except that I’m not wired that way, I think way too much.
And well since it’s late and every sob story needs to have a happy ending, these are mine: that things will be all right tomorrow, I can almost guarantee it, and that even while wallowing knee deep in self-pity, I don’t think the world has crashed down on me and therefore damning me to be bitter for the rest of my life.
(written 5 months ago)
My bedroom is a testimony to my non-committal nature. But as recent as yesterday there has been this burgeoning feeling that I want this to change. Get committed, even if it is only to furniture. That would be a start.
Everything about me is about non-committance (there is no such word, I looked!). It’s all about not making concrete decisions, things that would tie me down. I always have the backdoor open just in case. After all these years of being on my own and earning my own keep, I have scarcely anything to show for it. All my possessions could fit into a car. Of course one could argue that possessions are not everything, but they do indicate a level of ‘settled-ness’ of being your own person, an indication that you don’t expect everything to be temporary and therefore have taken every pain to prepared for that eventuality.
Case in point, look at how long it took me to decide to buy a car! It’s my only significant possession (though technically the finance company still owns it till I complete my payments). The only reason I finally got it is due to my sister’s insistence and nagging. If it were up to me I’d still be procrastinating a few years on and finding all sorts of reasons why I shouldn’t get a car (“I should hold out for a newer model”, “I should wait until finances improve”, “Public transport is still do-able”, etc, forever and ever Amen.) And right till the end when I signed on the dotted line, I was still trying to back out of it.
Why this feeling that everything is transient, that I need to have a fall back plan, just in case things go south overnight? It applies to everything: work, relationships, living arrangements, possessions (or the lack of them). Amazing. What kind of life is this? I want the creature comforts, and I could afford it, but I live minimally and in relationships I have struggled in the past to have optimism and trust in someone else and not doubt and prepare for the worst all the time. I think I’m being smart, streetwise perhaps. But it seems like a half life, to what end this?
Thursday, March 22, 2007
A lull, probably temporary, in the workday.
A lull, possibly permanent, in the brain.
I’m getting cross-eyed with sleepiness. The monitor stretches and blurs and the words swim lazily overlapping each other.
I spent time today contemplating the city skyline lost in endless possibilities. We will find something I know if I don’t stress out too much and sink in expectations. I’ve thought about this for so long I even have the image and accompanying aura burned into my head. And somehow by this I know that it will work out for us, one step at a time.
Monday, March 19, 2007
I can’t stop yawning!
It is Monday! How bad or good it and the following days will be depends on a decision which will be made by noon.
Noun: allegory ‘alu`guree is my new favourite word! Don’t you just love how it makes your tongue roll and how it sounds so foreign?!
I’m so sleepy!
Salary’s out tomorrow! And it includes an as yet mysterious amount of annual increment and bonus!
(I’m still yawning!)
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I never thought I’d say this but I’ve been thinking about legitimacy. The pressure that society puts on people to conform to a set of sociably acceptable rules dictated and indoctrinated by religion, tradition and so called ‘good’ moral values.
I know what I want and while I wish away at idle moments with abandon, I hesitate to take any step in that direction because I know how difficult it is going to be to face everyone’s reaction. Wish as hard as we might, we aren’t islands and at some point or another I will have to either work hard at hiding the reality of choices I might make or boldly risk facing awkward reactions, disapproving arguments or stony judgmental silences. And yet I know that what I want and what I would love to have is harmless, it’s just society that would swiftly condemn. After all, how can something that makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone, be wrong? I have to save so many people’s faces and take care of all their sensibilities that it’s ridiculous.
In any given situation in the past I would have invariably determined that what other people think doesn’t matter and just gone on my merry way. But this time I just don’t know. I do not want to end up isolating and being angry at myself because I have allowed other people to make me feel guilty.
And so I find myself not broaching the subject with the party involved though I think about it often enough and have made a hobby of collecting minor reasons here and there to justify not making that choice.
If only I could find the balls to thumb my nose at society and say “This is my life, if you can’t deal, so be it!”
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Work’s been brutal. And I’m actually used it. The familiarity certainly doesn’t stop me from complaining before I resign myself to the same old, same old but strangely enough I laughed more today than I do on (rare) slow days. Maybe I’ve developed a way of taking my mind off things for a little while.
Anyway, back to work. Yesterday was the first time the thought of quitting crossed my mind since I joined this company. It was in the middle of probably the worst external meeting I had ever sat through. But it wasn’t born of a juvenile emotional reaction when faced with difficulty. In fact it was more of a calm realization.
I think what got to me most was the snide comments from our working partner. I understand that they were venting their frustrations at the wrong party but because I could see their point it made me feel embarrassed to be representing my company. And that was the reason the thought crossed my mind: I don’t want to be associated with a company management lacking in sound decision making and high standards in professionalism.
As the Chinese say, I “lost face”.
I might not love what I do, but I take pride in doing a good job. So while it wasn’t personal, I felt the sting all right and I don’t want it to happen again. But when so very little is in your power to change, what can you do?
Thing is I really want to avoid looking for another job. I simply don’t feel I have the strength to start over.
Maybe at 28 going on 29, I’m just too old a dog to be learning new tricks that I don’t care about.
(And in case you’re reading hun, no, this isn’t it! :p )
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
We’ve made the move to our new office digs today. It is very white, quite warm, filled with heady fumes and for the moment very noisy with all the construction still going on.
We have a few balconies, which makes the smokers ecstatic, and will come in handy should any of us feel like hurling ourselves or others to their deaths during the workday. Neat.
The downside is that we now share the same office space as HR, and for someone who’s never on time, this will prove a challenge, much stealth will be required ;).