It's been 3 plus weeks by rough calculation since it all began. Started early September. I'm thinking write therapy might help me work through the difficult situation better. Having heart palpitations and sudden cold fear when under stress has started to worry me. Only now has the realization dawned on me of the extent to which I'm woefully ill-equipped to handle extreme stress.
My mother is battling depression and I'm struggling to handle it and my reactions to it. It's been a week plus since she started her medication, I still regret not getting her started on it earlier. I know I'm not the one going through it but the worry, stress and fear makes me want to run for the hills so I won't have to deal with the pain and bleakness. I want it to be gone, I want out of the worry and anxiety. I know the facts, I know the time it's going to take, I know we are doing all we can but I can't help but want it fixed now so I can breathe and smile again without a care. It is selfish I know, but right now I'm afraid. Not of death but of the pain and suffering.
Worrying to the point of anxiety is too much. Anxiety to the point I'm sleep deprived is too much. I've also noticed a slight fear when I go to bed alone at night.
Dealing with the worry and anxiety is paramount, can't let it get out of hand. I find little enjoyment in anything and trying to distract myself is very temporary. I have this feeling that enjoying anything is somehow wrong when my mum is suffering and so is my dad the care giver. I know this is ridiculous, I am here and they are there, what's worrying and mopping going to do to help them?
In a few days I'm off for a wedding overseas, my sister will be the one going back this weekend. Yet I wonder if i can quit worrying. It takes time, time, time, I repeat this mantra to my mum and dad and yet I'm the one with the major difficulty accepting it. Accepting my powerless-ness to speed time up, and to lessen their suffering.
I have to learn to DEAL with this effectively. I'm not doing anyone any favours, not myself and certainly not them. And also my darling hun who's been my patient hero throughout. He's had to deal with an anxiety-ridden, sad and listless me day in day out. He encourages me and gives me practical advice which I know is sound, but the execution of which I'm failing at as yet. I told him with this trial it gives me perspective at least, how the many petty things I used to fret about at him I would gladly give anything to have again. And then I would take those petty things throw them away and rejoice at being so lucky and happy just to have each other.
I'm planning to write everyday if possible to work out my fears and anxiety through this period. To remind myself that whatever will happen, will happen and in fact has already happened, the path is already layed out. One step at a time, we're heading towards the inevitable.
Things to do:
1. Finding out if my company has any medical insurance coverage for parents of employees.